Feeling Good


Feeling Good

Getting the job I wanted and finally finding some kind of stability financially allowed me to have more time to enjoy myself. I couldn’t be happier at this time with my life, I had taken back the reigns of my life and I was in charge of it. I was doing what I wanted to do and I was where I wanted to be. I reconnected with old friends, I was out enjoying the city and I had taken my physical skills to new levels. Through the course of 4 months I had signed up for 2 half-marathons and a Spartan Race (Beast – 12-14 miles w/obstacles), I was in great shape and I loved proving myself that I could accomplishing any challenge I set myself.

When going out in the city, I noticed that I would attract people’s attention. I didn’t feel any different physically from when I lived here. But I think it was all a matter of attitude and self-confidence from within that projected on the outside. I felt like a complete new person, I was comfortable with myself and the way I looked, this definitely gave me a boost on confidence to try new things like talking to strangers. I decided to make this a constant exercise, I wanted to put myself out there and out of my comfort zone. I wanted to see how I behaved myself under unusual circumstances and also how people reacted to my behavior. I noticed that people are very receptive to other people talking to them.

Thinking back to a couple of years ago, I remember thinking to myself how I would feel if someone walked up to me and started talking to me. I also remember that this almost never happened and I would have loved for someone to walk up to me and start a conversation. I think I never did this because I was deeply afraid of rejection but things have changed since then and as I mentioned I felt differently about myself. I thought to myself, if I want this to happen, I need to make it happen. This is how I decided that I would start talking to guys when I was out with friends. I think it is a lot more fun when you go out and have a conversation with someone you don’t know because you never know who you’ll run into and what that person has to say – it’s kind of exciting.

I put this into practice and I remember that even if I wasn’t having a good time when I was out regardless if I was interested in that person physically, I would try to engage with that person. Again, trying to put myself out there and even if the other person would not be interested in talking, I would not take it hard as I was just doing it for myself  more than talking to guys to meet someone special. My self-esteem was at a place where rejection did not affect me. My way of thinking had changed completely, I now longer thought there was something wrong with my looks or blame myself when I guy was not interested in having a conversation with me. Instead, if someone did not want to talk to me could be for a million different reasons that did not have anything to do with my appearance or myself. I had turned a switch and I no longer had these negative thoughts.

I find it so interesting how our self-esteem and self-confidence play such and important part in our lives. We may be going through difficult times in our lives but our perception towards it will be completely different according to our state of mind. As I mentioned I would not open myself to talking to strangers in the past just because of my fear for rejection. But at this time in my life I was talking strangers and not really caring about the outcome of the conversation. We close or open ourself to new opportunities according to our state of mind and at this point in my life I was happy to feel this way.

Life as a Grown Up

life-in-sfLife as a Grown Up

Finally, I was back in San Francisco. Everything felt surreal, I had gone through really hard times but I was finally here. This really made me appreciate this place even more especially because of how hard it was to come back.

I was now in San Francisco, I needed to figured out my shit out quickly because I could no longer ask my family for money I was on my own financially. I was lucky enough to crash a friend’s place while I situated myself back in San Francisco. I needed a job, so again I needed to put myself out there and hope I would get an interview but in the meantime I started doing TaskRabbit, TaskRabbit is an application where people can hire you to do random jobs, I was doing anything for a buck. I needed to support myself until something better came along. In the meantime, I did all kinds of jobs from walking dogs to assembling furniture at some points it made me question the whole purpose of getting a degree but this time I was not gonna let that get to my head, I just put push through until the job I really wanted came.

Although my situation wasn’t the best, I was happy to be where I wanted to be and I knew a job in advertising would come soon. That’s what I want I had to study for and that’s what I wanted to do. I went to a few job interviews and nothing seem to come through until I interviewed for an agency, it was a temp job with a potential full-time. they offer the position and I took it right away. I was happy to finally put my skills to work in the field I wanted to be!

That Guy I Met in PRIDE

that-guy-i-met-in-prideThat Guy I Met in PRIDE

On my post Back Home, Back in Miami, I talked about meeting a guy on my visit in San Francisco. I wanted to tell this story because it was a very disappointing but also helpful in a way.

As some may know, I decided to go to San Francisco and visit my friends after moving back from Barcelona, I missed this place so much and wanted to see my friends and finally be here after 2 years of having left. I come to San Francisco and it just coincidently happened to be PRIDE weekend, I was happy to be here and embrace my gayness as I didn’t have any gay friends in Miami and I mentioned before I wasn’t doing much in Miami except for applying for jobs.

A group of friends decide to do the usual PRIDE weekend celebrations and I followed. I remember walking the Dyke’s March which leads to the Pink Party, which is the main party before the Parade. We were all walking when I see a guy across the street. He was wearing sunglasses but I could see he was looking at me. he passes me and some of my friends but we had other friends further ahead, it is to my surprise that this guy that I just made eye contact with knew one of my friends. They started talking and we catch up with them, it happened that him and my friend had friends in common. For some reason, the guy invited us to a house party. We all agreed and we followed him, he started talking to me and started the usual conversation – Where are you from? Visiting? blah blah blah. He was very good looking tall and had light eyes of course.

We go to the house party, it was a beautiful place with a great view. We have a few drinks there and decide to go to a bar after. We keep talking and up until this point we had not flirted or hinted interest in each other so this could have gone either way. We go to the bar and after a couple of drinks he makes a move, I move his hand away not because I didn’t like it, it was just an automatic move. After this he backed off thinking I was not interested. I told him to go grab a drink, we go to the bar and told him I thought he was cute. It was now obvious that we were both interested in each other. We made out and eventually go to his place.

The next morning we both wake up hungover, I was supposed to meet up with my friends to walk the parade. It would have been my first time walking the parade so I really wanted to go. I felt a little bad leaving but I had to. He wanted to spend more time together so we decided to talk later. I was really excited what just had happened, I loved that this happened very spontaneously, like it was meant to happened. I also felt good about myself, of course the hard work at CrossFit was paying off! We didn’t get the chance to see each other that day but the next day we made plans to see each other. I wasn’t sure what the plan would be but he thought of getting some wine and going to the top of the hill and enjoy the view. It all felt like a movie, super romantic and of course I didn’t even lived there. So just thinking about going back to Miami was even harder. We decided to keep in touch as I had mentioned my plan was to move back to San Francisco.

I think about this now and I feel certain that things happen for a reason, right after I return to Miami I have my breakdown. I was miserable and depressed and did not want to be there all I wanted was to be back in San Francisco. This guy talked to me everyday, he was even trying to make plans to come see me in Miami. In a way he helped me through my crappy time and dealing with my issues, I did not share exactly what was going on with me at the time but he definitely was someone that was there and talked to me everyday and made me feel like somebody was thinking about me all the time. I couldn’t stop thinking that if I were in San Francisco things were different perhaps we could be together? This and other things really pushed me to work on myself and figure out a way to go back.

It isn’t until I get a call to interview with an Agency in San Francisco, that everything changed. This happened right before I made the decision of moving back to San Francisco. I get flown to San Francisco to interview with the Agency, they pay for everything hotel, transportation, etc. I interview with this agency for 9 hours and hope I get the job, I was in San Francisco only for a week. Finally after many weeks talking, I was going to see this guy again. I noticed everything was all weird when he said he wanted me to focus on the interview and that he would see me after I had the interview. So we meet after the interview and we go to a bar and it was baseball season. I remember at the bar he was paying more attention to the game since it was the finals than me that had been looking forward to seeing him since I last saw him.

We have dinner and still something doesn’t click but I wasn’t sure if it was all in my head or it was reality. We keep going along talking about each other and how things are going. After dinner we go to his place… this was really awkward, he’s not affectionate and just turns around and gives his back to me. The things we had talked about this whole time did not translate with his actions. I was confused and the next morning he had a volleyball class, he took me back to my friends and we were supposed to meet up later. This never happened. He has told me it was one of his closest friend’s birthday and that they were going to be out and about. I texted him to find out what the status was and he just told me “the birthday girl was to keep partying… sorry! Let’s talk tomorrow.” I couldn’t believe this.

The next day, my last day in San Francisco I asked him what was going on? and he didn’t even call or told me this in person, he decided to text me and tell me that he felt pressured  and did not how to communicate his real feelings. Which is total BULLSHIT but there was nothing I could do. This was the biggest disappointment, at this point I was going through all my depression bullshit, I was doing much better but still not 100% there. That night I couldn’t sleep I felt betrayed and really felt like I wasn’t ready to handle this, I need to go home and just deal with it. I go home defeated literally, I received an email saying I didn’t get the job so imagine my situation. I didn’t get the job or the guy, it was another hard hit.

It was really hard going back to Miami with no options but this really showed me that I wanted to be back here in San Francisco regardless of a guy, I wanted to be here because this place is special to me. Shortly after, I made the decision that I was not going to wait for a stupid job to come and save me from my misery. As I said on the last post, I bought a ticket and hoped for the best and as I am writing this it has been 3 years since I made that decision. Ohh and for that guy, I have run into him a couple of times.

As I write this, I realize how things have a purpose in life, I think he came to my life to give me the support I needed while I was going through hard times but when I was good enough to be on my own he leaves and at the same time when he leaves,  it helps me see clearly that this decision of moving to San Francisco was a good one and that it was something that I wanted and I was not making because of someone else.

The Worst and Best Time of My Life

best-and-worst-timeThe Worst and Best Time of My Life

In my visit to San Francisco I realized how much I missed being there, it gave me a little peek of what my life was like. I week after I was back from San Francisco, I had a panic attack, I honestly thought I was going crazy. It was the most horrifying experience I have ever gone through. I didn’t want to admit I was sad and feeling of these things until I could not longer do it and my body just gave out. I needed serious help to talk about my problems and my depression for my current situation.

Now that I look back I can honestly say he has been the worst experience of my life but it has also been the best. Why? Because going through that horrible experience led me to seek for help. Help I desperately needed, I needed to talk about my issues with someone and the therapist helped me get an objective perspective. My depression was so bad I didn’t want to go anywhere, I didn’t find joy  doing the regular things like going out to a restaurant coffee, or even going to the beach. I had no motivation for anything.

But during this time I looked for other ways to help myself. I joined CrossFit, which I now love and do every day. Doing CrossFit showed me that with hard work we can become better at a specific things from me lifting to running or whatever the case maybe. The evolution in my body made me realize that working hard and seeing results can be translated into other areas in our lives. I started CrossFit not been able to to lift 45 pounds but a few weeks after I was lifting 145 pounds which showed me with the dedication and hard work we can achieve anything. Also during during this time, this blog came to life. I wanted to have an outlet to talk about the things that I’ve been going through in my life and hopefully help others. I wanted to talk about things that I had gone through and hopefully help others through my experience.

Halfway through my therapy sessions, I knew that a big problem was the guilt I felt for wanting to leave and not be part of my family, at least that how I saw it. It felt like escaping but after talking about it with my therapist it helped me realize that this is my life and I needed to do whatever was going to make me happy. I wanted to leave right away but I couldn’t my family din’t think I was ready to go after what I had gone through and they were correct. I was very sensitive and vulnerable and needed to regain my self-confidence and self-esteem. I kept working on myself with therapy and CrossFit and shortly I did a complete 180, I felt good about myself, I was in the best shape I have ever been and  I thought I was ready to take over my life and live it the way I wanted to leave it.

Shortly, I decided I was ready to go. This time I wasn’t going to wait for a job to make it to San Francisco, this time I took my credit card and booked a one way ticket to San Francisco, I didn’t tell anybody until a few weeks before the flight, I didn’t want anyone’s opinion to interfere with my plans. I was ready to live my life as a grownup and from this point on out I wasn’t expecting my parents to support myself as I was old enough to do it myself and it was also time to do so. My parents never opposed to the idea of me moving to San Francisco, it was mostly me who had a personal guilt for wanting something different. I told my parents I had purchased a ticket and then I was ready to go they agreed and gave me $1000 and I was off to start my life as an adult in San Francisco.

It is very curious that even though this was one of the hardest and toughest times in my life, I look at it as a positive thing because it made me take time for myself and look for the help that I need. This actually took me to a really positive place that although many things were not going my way, I now had a different outlook, I was more positive about my situation. I was happy and feeling good about myself, I was ready for my life as an independent adult in San Francisco.

Back Home, Back in Miami

back-in-miami-postBack Home, Back in Miami

I was back in Miami, this time I was open to the idea of  living here, open my group of friends and meeting new people. I wanted to give Miami a chance, I wanted to find a job and get my life back on track. At this time in life I was 24 turning 25. In my opinion this is a very hard time in life because you’re not a boy nor an adults… Like Britney says: not a girl, not yet a woman. I was starting a new phase in my life as an adult and this was a big adjustment for me. Now I was a grownup that had prepared himself educationally to get a job and support himself financially. But finding a job did come easily. Actually never happened. I went to many interviews that did not lead to anything, because of this my self-esteem and self-confidence suffered tremendously. All I could think was that I had spent all of these years to educate myself, get a masters and I couldn’t even get a job. It was frustrating to say the least.

My social life was almost nonexistent, my old friends lived 45 minutes from where I was, so going for a quick coffee was not possible. It fell that all things quickly started going bad. People’s attitude in Miami suck, people don’t even acknowledge you and everybody has their own clique and it’s distinguish by the car they drive, where they live and what they do for a living. None of these things were me.

My birthday was around the corner, I was turing 25 and though I hadn’t planned anything big I invited some close friends to celebrate my birthday. Just to my luck there was a big storm the night of my birthday and half of the people invited didn’t show up. The storm was so bad that at some point the electricity went out at the restaurant. When it was time to sing a happy birthday and I got my present from my family, I opened it up and there was a Mont Blanc pen. I thought to myself, they really don’t know anything about me. I thought if they really knew me they would not have spent $500 on a pen. I would’ve given me a more meaningful present that would last forever. So I decided to return the pen and with the money I got back, I decided to buy a ticket to go to San Francisco and visit my friends. It just happened that I booked my trip for pride weekend.

I came to San Francisco after two years of being gone. Everything was amazing, I saw my friends, and the old places I used to visit, it reminded me of how much I missed my independence and how happy I was when I was here. There was no question I missed this place and I wanted to be back but moving back wasn’t easy if I didn’t have a job to actually support myself here. During my visit I met in a guy, it was very spontaneous and cute the way we met. We kept in touch after I left San Francisco, this made it even harder to be in Miami, I wanted to leave asap. I knew I didn’t want to be in Miami and I needed to figure out away to go back to San Francisco. I feel like I was putting my fate in someone else’s hand when applying to a job and hoping I would get a call or email for an interview and since this was not happening and I quickly felt into a big depression.

Right after I arrived to Miami from San Francisco, I had a big episode which let me to see a therapist. I believe having been in San Francisco showed me what I could have but didn’t. I felt stuck with no way out, for the next three months I saw a therapist. I had to deal with all the shit I had not dealt with. Self-esteem issues, gay issues, and family issues. I just felt like A little kid not being able to make his own decision, I was already in adult but felt I couldn’t do anything I wanted. I felt guilty for being selfish and wanting to leave and be the only one in my family far away. This guilt almost turned me crazy until I realized that this is my life and I should live it the way I wanted. I knew moving to San Francisco would make me happy.

Although, I tried to change my way of thinking about Miami and not let it affect me. I just couldn’t do it, I thought I was being negative about it and I honestly came with a open mind about living here and starting over but as time progressed I realized I didn’t want to be there. I now needed to work on myself and through all of my issues before making the big move. I knew moving to San Francisco would help me find the happiness I was looking for but this would have to wait until I was done dealing with some issues that have been unresolved.

Always Appreciate What You Have

San Francisco

Always appreciate What You Have

Now that my time in Barcelona was coming to an end and having had time to compare both cities. I realized how lucky I was to have lived in San Francisco. I say this because when I moved out of San Francisco was really bored of the city and I took for granted everything this city had to offer. Having been exposed to other cities like Barcelona, Paris, Berlin etc. San Francisco had nothing to envy these cities. Before leaving San Francisco, my opinion was that this was a really small city and sometimes lacked something but having lived in Barcelona and being here for a year, I saw that these cities were to a degree similar to each other.

I guess in life we have to miss things to really appreciate what we have. Now that I have been exposed to other cities their nightlife and everything they have to offer, I now knew that San Francisco was not any different to other great cities in the word. I felt like if I didn’t leave San Francisco and try living living somewhere else I would never get the opportunity to compare and really see if this is where I really wanted to be.

Living abroad for a year helped me realize I was not being grateful for being in one of the greatest cities of the world. It was time for me to go back and go home but since I had left San Francisco for good, home now meant Miami. I had no other plans lined up, which meant I had to go back home to my parents and start my life as a grown up.

Backpacking Europe


Backpacking Europe

It was summer time, no more school and summer was here. Since I knew I would only be in Spain for year I thought it was appropriate to travel throughout Europe. I really wanted to do this, I knew this was the time to do it, otherwise, I would not have the same opportunity again. I wanted to go with friends and travel around but for one reason or another no one would do it. I debated if I should go by myself as I had never traveled by myself but I wanted to see other places other than Spain and this was the perfect opportunity for that.

I wish I had decided to do this trip earlier as I felt it came to be a little last minute but I was ready for this adventure and see what it would bring! I bought an open train ticket for 15 days, meaning I could go anywhere I wanted in 15 days! I decided I would go to Amsterdam, Hamburg, Stockholm, Copenhagen, Berlin and Rome. I was a little afraid about feeling homesick or uncomfortable sharing rooms, as I was planning on staying at hostels throughout my trip. I ended up going to Paris one more time, this would be my fourth time in Paris. It wasn’t necessarily my idea to come back here but Sam wanted to see me one more time before I headed back to the USA. Yes, I should have not come back to Paris as I wanted to see other places but I know I have a big problem saying NO, which I will talk about in another opportunity.

Paris was beautiful as usual and it was nice seeing Sam but my real backpacking experience started when I left Paris and arrived in Amsterdam. Just starting out my trip I got a ticket for seating in the wrong area! I was not going to let this ruin my trip, I arrived at the hostel it was kind of a house where people hung out in the living room. Everybody was super friendly and many had been traveling for months, they were used to meeting random people and hanging out. I met the nicest and out-there people ever. I say this in best sense of the word, I met people that wouldn’t necessarily be my friends in a deferent environment but because I was open to meeting people and share the experience I got to meet very interesting people. Which in my opinion this is what this trip was all about. Sharing experiences meeting people along the way and also getting to know myself throughout these situations.

At the hostel, I met a girl from Basque country, Spain. She was older than me perhaps late 30s, very friendly and we connected easily. She ask what my last name was to add me on Facebook and I told her my last name Zabala, she asked me if I had basque family, I said no and told her I was Venezuelan, she said she asked me this because Zabala in basque means “tree” which was I surprise to me. I do not know much about my past so this could well be a possibility, I could from Basque descendance. We went out and had a great time. Something I was not expecting at Amsterdam is the easiness to communicate with people everybody spoke perfect English and it was really easy for them to switch from dutch to English, something I really appreciated because in Paris was a big problem for me to communicate with people.

My next stop, Hamburg,  I had a friend that lived there and stayed with him. He showed me around, I didn’t know what to expect of the city. It was really interesting to learn that the city had been completely destroyed during WWII and its history. I got to go out with my friends and experience the nightlife which was a lot of fun but the two days I was there I realize this wouldn’t be the kind of city for me. I feel it was really slow paced and to be honest a little boring. I like fast paced cities and Hamburg seemed to be the opposite of this.

After 14 hours in between I arrived in Stockholm, I have been wanting to go to this city for the longest time I was very curious about it. All I have to say is that everybody was good-looking and super fashionable. I kind of felt uncomfortable walking around on the streets. I was lucky enough to have some friends visiting at the same time, we went out to a gay bar, this was seriously one of the biggest gay bars I have ever been. there were many good-looking guys but I felt very shy and didn’t feel like going forward and talking to guys like that. I think about this now and I realize how dumb I was but I also understand that I didn’t feel 100% comfortable with myself to do this… Again, personal issues.

In Berlin, I was going to be alone again, I arrived to the room and I see a guy in the room. He doesn’t say home so it begins to be a little awkward. I decided to start the conversation and introduce myself. This is very unusual for me because I was thought to be shy and quiet. But then situations like these come up and I behave differently. Up until this point I realize I am just a reserved person, I also realize that I will start or make the effort to start a conversation if I really feel like it, not necessarily because I’m shy. The guy was from South Africa, he had been traveling for a whole year! Which to me was crazy, yes I wished my trip was longer than 15 days, perhaps  a month or two but traveling for that long seemed crazy to me. He was he was waiting for a friend which was going to arrive from London. He introduced me to his friends and we all hung out and went out. I actually love meeting people, hanging out as friends and having a good time. I loved Berlin, to me was a mix between New York City, San Francisco and Paris. I would definitely live here!

My last stop was Rome. Rome, reminded me a lot to Venezuela, chaotic city and great people. There is a big Italian influence in Venezuela so perhaps the similarities. I had another friend there, so she was able to show me around and take me to the beautiful places in Rome. I didn’t get to go out in Rome but got to eat a lot! the food was amazing and the people very warm.

These 15 days showed me many things I did’t know about myself. It first showed me not to wait for other people to do the things you really want to do. I decided to go by myself and this forced me to be out of my comfort zone and change my attitude. I realized that I am more open than I thought and also that I enjoy being by myself. Something I needed to work on was on being more open to talking to estrangers depending on the environment. It seemed hard for me to break a conversation with a estranger at a bar found it a little uncomfortable. I would definitely love to do this again especially now that I am older and more confident in some areas, I think it would bring more positiveness to my life and of course an extra ordinary experience.



Meeting Sam (Yes, his name was Sam – Love on Grindr) has been one of the most exciting things, I had finally met someone who I could connect with. Unfortunately, he lived in a different country but this was not going to stop me from finding out if he was the “right” person for me. Up until this point in my life, I had not met someone I had a real connection with for this reason I wanted to find out if this could lead into something.

I had booked my ticket to go see him in Paris and spend time together, I was hoping to get to know him better as I only spent 2 days with him and although I loved everything about those two days together, I knew it was not enough time to get to know someone. I was about to spend 10 days, yes 10 days with Sam. I know, it sounds a little crazy to go to a different country and stay at a stranger’s place for this long but given my financial circumstances this was the only possibility.

I had arrived in Paris, luckily I was going to meet up with a friend that was studying abroad in Paris and would hang out for the day while Sam was working. I was supposed to meet with him after work. It was good seeing my friend in Paris and spending time together. I mentioned my situation with Sam and also that I would be staying with him for a week. She was excited about me but I was nervous about it all. I was already in Paris, I did not speak the language, I was away from home and this was my friend’s last day in Paris. She would be heading back to the US, so I had no one to call or see if things went terribly wrong with Sam.

I felt things started wrong when he asked me to show up to his place instead of him coming to get me. I had never been in Paris before and going to his apartment with no Google Maps on my phone was not going to happen. He refused to come over to my friend’s, which according to her was pretty close. My friend ended up walking me to his place; I already felt this was a bad idea. Why did I do this?! I rang the bell and I had to walk up, no need for him to come get me downstairs. I talked about this to my friend that had spent a few months in Paris and told me it is a cultural thing. I was very hesitant and not excited as I once was.

I walk in the doors and he had everything set up for us to have dinner at his place. I thought it was cute, I guess that is why he did not want to leave his apartment. We had dinner together, talked for hours and eventually went to bed. The next day he had to go back to work and I was going to spend the day walking around and exploring Paris. Looking back, this reminds me of the Sex and the City episode where Carrie finally goes to Paris and spends most of the time by herself in this beautiful city and not being able to communicate. Not that I spent most of my time by myself but being in a city so beautiful but not being able to express myself properly was very frustrating. I had not experienced this in a long time as I speak both English and Spanish and with these two languages, I have managed to communicate effectively with people. This time I was in Paris and not speaking French made me feel frustrating as I had to speak in signs hoping people could understand what I was trying to say.

Spending time with Sam getting to know him and seeing the real Paris, not the touristic one allowed me to get an insight of the cultural difference we shared. I got to meet his friends and understand the culture a little better. I have to admit that all of Sam’s friends were super nice to me and they made me feel comfortable but walking around in the city, getting on the metro or going to a restaurant it is easily noticeable the way people treat you. Something that I found intriguing is that people do not face each other when sitting in a patio, they just face out for people watching, I guess? Also people are seated very close from each other to the point where is very uncomfortable and people speak very quietly and if you don’t you will be stared at.

It came to me that the French culture is very uptight which Sam agreed with me, having lived America for some time, Sam had opened the way he thinks but most French people are like that. Although, Sam had been exposed to the American culture and could see the differences between the French and the American culture, we had many differences in our way of thinking. We were too different from each other.

By the end of my trip I realized that Sam was not the person I was looking for. Yes, he is great and he is still a friend but at the time Sam was going through a hard period in his life and I think he was mainly looking for support. I don’t think he was looking to be in a relationship with me, all he needed was someone there to give him personal support and get him through the hard times.

I am glad I took this risk; this is exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to spend time with him and get to know him better to see if this person was truly the person I wanted in my life. But after spending time together I realized we were in completely different stages in our lives. I wanted to have fun, perhaps have someone with me but do the things I like: go out, eat out, spend time with friends, etc. In the other hand, he was looking for someone who would be there with him 24/7 perhaps a serious relationship and do the things he was into. We stayed in contact and I’m not sure if it was clear to him were we stood at the time but I knew that what I thought could potentially end in something “pretty” was no longer there. I noticed he was not the person for me and though we maintained a friendship, I was no longer looking for our friendship to evolve into something else.


Love on Grindr?

BLOG-POST-57Love on Grindr?

While in Barcelona, I was starting to get frustrated since it had been a few months in living here and I still had not met anybody that I liked. I was living in one of the gayest cities in the world and I definitely wanted to meet someone. With no luck, I decided to try Grindr.

At this point in my life, I was very naive and didn’t know much about anything including hooking up/dating apps. So once I tried it I saw all kinds of things, it was pretty crazy and a little disturbing to be honest. But through the clutter I found someone that caught my eye. I decided to say hi and he replied we exchanged some texts and soon after decided to meet for coffee.

When I arrived at the cafe, he looked just liked his picture or even more handsome. He had green eyes, brown hair and dark skin, he was visiting from Paris and was only in Barcelona for a couple of days. We talked for an hour or so and since I got a good vibe from him I decided to invite him to go out that night. I was planning to go out with some friends that night and thought it would be a good idea if he came. He told me he needed to see another friend and he would let me know if he would be able to join.

I really liked this guy, I thought he was a nice guy and really wanted him to come out with me and my friends. Later that night he texted me saying he would come out with us! We went out clubbing and by the end of the nigh we made out. I couldn’t believe this was happening! He came over to my place and we spent the night together and most of the day the next day. He only had one more night before heading back to Paris.

We ended our “whatever this was” with a nice dinner. We told each other that we would keep in touch. I was kind of disappointed because I felt I had found someone I like and this person didn’t even lived in the same city as me. I felt I had connected with him although we only spend a couple of days together. All I knew is that I wanted to get to know him better. I wanted to see if this perhaps could be more than a hook up, because up until the point I liked everything about him.

So a few days after he left, I couldn’t stop thinking about him and out of compulsion I decided to get a ticket to Paris. I know this sounds pretty crazy and obsessive, he did mention I should go visit him so I took his word. I went online just to look at prices and I couldn’t let this bargain go… 45 euros from Barcelona to Paris. I immediately bought the tickets and thought to myself if this doesn’t work out I can crash at friends place… I had a couple of friends living in Paris at the time.

So I was going to see this guys again… I felt I needed to do this and see if there was really a chance for love there. So I just followed my heart, I was going to go to Paris for the first time and I was going to be with a spacial someone. How perfect could this be!

Living in Europe: Change of Perception

BARCELONA-GAY-BARCELONALiving in Europe: Change of Perception

Having been in Miami for the past 4 months, I was ready to go to Spain. As I mentioned, on my last post “OUT!” I was going to be home with my family, to spend some time with them and hoping to have some kind of conversation my sexuality or any questions they may have about it. But this never happened. By the end of my 4 months in Miami, I was ready to leave and experience life in another country.

I was really excited about moving to Barcelona, I was going to have to communicate in Spanish, study in Spanish and do everything in Spanish. Up until this point I had lived 10 years in USA, so this would be a big adjustment for me. I remember the first few weeks in Barcelona, when I was walking on the streets and if I ran into someone by mistake I would excuse myself in English “Sorry,” it would just come out. English was so ingrained in my head that it would just come out automatically. I was really excited about starting over, opening a bank account, new phone number, finding an apartment and of course meeting people and making new friends.

I felt really lucky to have this experience and to be living in this metropolitan city. I was looking forward to know closely the culture and meet the local people to really get a sense of the city. I remember before moving to Barcelona, I had this mentality of Spaniards being “cool” because the are part of Europe and  they look so polished and educated. I know, this sounds really stupid, it is a really dumb concept to have about a country and its people but that was mine before moving there.

Shortly after, I realized how mistaken I was about my conception. I quickly realized that I had put these people high up in my mind when in reality when in reality there were just as equal as anybody else. Yes, the country is beautiful and Barcelona is one of the most funnest cities I have ever lived in. But I have to say that throughout my time in Barcelona, it was really hard to penetrate their tight group of friends. Catalonians are very proud of their heritage and they speak a different dialect. It can be hard to understand, it is a mix between French and Spanish, they speak it among each other. It is a little sad to say but the whole time I was in Barcelona, I just felt like a tourist. I never felt part of the city, not because I didn’t want to feel part of it, it’s just that people in general do not make you feel welcome, I know this is a cultural thing.

I made great friends in Barcelona, most of them foreigners and some locals but one thing that the locals had in common is that at some point the had lived abroad. They were able to see that within their culture there is this divide, where people are not as open and friendly as the people that have left their countries and lived somewhere else at some point of their lives.

Throughout my time in Barcelona, I learned many things and one of them is that traveling really opens up your eyes and teaches you so much not only about other cultures but also about life, we learn so much about ourselves and how we act in different situations that perhaps we would never be exposed to if we never left our country or just our zone of comfort.